The Fine Art of Arguing
Depending on how we grew up, each of us has a different relationship to arguing.
Some of us learned that it can be a sign of foreboding calamities. This is arguing as pushing each other to our edges. It is the abrasion of some people walking on eggshells and others being bulls in the china shop.
Others of us learned it can be an animated and constructive space of self-expression and listening. This is arguing as pushing the conversation to its edges.
The underlying pathology behind arguing as a problem to be fixed is the belief that differences are betrayals. The underlying delight behind arguing as a gift to be engaged is the belief that no one has to change their mind to be loved for who they are.
When we come together at home, at work, or in communities, arguing can be a source of connection or disconnection, new results or no results. It entirely depends on how we argue. The most creative and productive groups do not avoid arguing — they simply argue well and are rewarded with better results and relationships.
We can argue over direction, process, and decisions. We can argue over what the “real” problem is and how to move forward on it. When arguing is frustrating, it’s precisely because we haven’t yet learned how to argue well. When arguing is exactly what we need to do, it’s because we have learned how.
Groups need to learn how to argue together if they’re going to do it productively and enjoyably.
One way to make this learning possible is by proposing some simple arguing agreements. Each is designed to open up and promote the flow of the conversation instead of shutting it down. We can think of this as arguing etiquette.
Qualify what you know
Say how you know something. Say when, where, or how it’s true. If you say something that’s opinion, introduce it with something like “I think…” instead of declaring it as an unquestionable, immutable truth. This leaves room for other things to be also possible, feasible, or true. It turns conversation from monologue to dialogue.
Respond with curiosity
Whether you agree or disagree with something, ask people to say more. Ask for more details, context, or implications. Frame counterarguments as questions of what if, should or could. Always expect that there could always be more to any story than what you — or anyone — already knows so far. This is what it means to be responsive rather than reactive.
Be quick to agree
If you find anything you could agree with — in whole or in part — express what you agree with and why. Express what you like about something before launching into what you don’t, or what questions something raises for you. If you want to offer another version of anything said, say something like I would like that even more if also…
Practice a bias for action
When we’re arguing between two or more opposing options, identify the questions these options raise and use action rather than talk to get answers. Action could mean finding or trying something out. Waste no time trying to discuss or debate our way into answers or agreements.
Just these four arguing agreements can turn any kind of arguing into a good and rewarding experience for everyone. Everyone can feel heard and respected, everyone can show up as their best self, and we actually become smarter together.
Imagine how many problems we could solve together if we actually learned how to argue well together.
